Ballsy and Confused

A couple of nights ago I went to the Paseo Camarillo Theater and watched the movie “Black Swan.” It wasn’t exactly what I had expected, but I’m not sure what I had expected in the first place and I left the theater feeling quite not sure, in general.

No – correction – I left the theater with an overwhelming sense of Ballsy and Confused. In general.

I sat in my car in the parking lot for a minute and thought about what kind of music I would like to listen to on the way home, but I couldn’t choose any one particular artist or album or song and just revved the engine instead. That sounded perfect in an angels-couldn’t-make-a-more-appealing-sound sort of way, and so I did it again. I considered going out to a bar, maybe see some live music, have a couple beers, meet some new people, that sort of thing. But I wasn’t quite sure whether I was ready to take my Ballsy and Confused out in public, so we went home instead.

My Ballsy and Confused marched straight into my bedroom and dragged the box of Itty Bitty Things out from under my bed and pulled out a string bikini that I haven’t dared to play with in quite a long time. Jeans and hoodie stripped off, String Bikini tied on, towel over shoulder, wine glass in hand, out the door I went. Marched. Whatever. But it was very cold out and I’m technically not supposed to have real wine glasses at the spa, being a breaker and all, so I turned around, marched back inside, pulled Hoodie over String Bikini, and transferred wine from Real Glass to Red Plastic Cup. A lot more wine fits in Red Plastic Cup than in Real Glass so then I poured a lot more wine into Red Plastic Cup and marched back outside. Take Two.

In order to get to the spa in our complex, you have to walk through glass doors into the fancy clubhouse, down the flight of stairs, through the gym, and out the glass doors to the pool deck. I think they built it that way so the riff-raff won’t invade the recreational facilities, but, here we are.

The security guard sits in an office on the top floor of the fancy clubhouse and when he’s ready to go home he comes downstairs and asks anyone who’s still there to leave. Then he locks the doors and goes home. I like the security guard because he doesn’t seem to mind having to kick me out of the spa almost every time I go down there, and because I don’t think he really pays attention to anything except what time he gets to go home. And because I like the security guard, last night when I went out to the spa I imagined that he wouldn’t mind if I turned off the lights in the gym so that the spa area would be dark so that I could see the stars. And so I turned the lights off and the spa area was dark and the security guard didn’t seem to notice at all and the stars were brilliant.

It was very cold out and I had walked barefoot all the way from the condo and my toes were pretty numb. Like, actually freezing cold frozen toes. And the spa was very hot and when I stepped into the water my toes burned like they were on fire. It was extremely uncomfortable, the burning toes thing, and I would have retreated but my nipples got really hard, which String Bikini made quite evident, and I got distracted wondering whether it was the cold or the pain that made my nipples hard. Then the rest of me got cold and I sat straight down in the hot water and the nipples were very, very hard.

So it was really dark out there in the spa, with the gym lights off and the security guard not paying attention and everything, and my Ballsy and Confused put String Bikini in a pile on the deck and that felt really good so I leaned back against the jets and rested my head on the edge and let my hair fall in the water and stared up at the sky and everything was perfect.

That’s where my relationship with Ballsy and Confused took a turn for the worse. The thing about String Bikini being on the deck with the lights off and the security guard not paying attention is that the lights can be turned back on and the security guard can start paying attention, but String Bikini will still be on the deck and Ballsy and Confused will still be staring at the stars. I’m not sure if the security guard noticed how brilliant the stars were, but he certainly noticed String Bikini on the deck.

I had to break up with my Ballsy and Confused. You can’t just start a fun little adventure and then disappear when things get dodgy. And so, I think the moral of this rambling story is that Ballsy and Confused is only in it for the laughs; if you’re looking for an attitude that’s got your back, you probably want to stay away from the Crazy Ballerina movie.